Made new!!

I love GOD, I love my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, i love life. Watching the plants, birds and nature makes me smile. I look forward to the seasons changing, the fall colors, and the frosty winter mornings.i love my two children that GOD has Blessed me with. I love fine chocolate, my favorite being Godiva and Lindt. I love traveling and good food.

You would think that with all the loves of my life, I should be fulfilled and secure? Wrong, I get hurt very easily. I always seem to set myself up for a fall no matter what I do or where I go. Subconsciously, I have allowed others to use me and I find myself trying too hard to be accepted.  Every friendship/relationships that I have had over the years have ended in agony, sadness or disappointment. I am afraid to get to know people or even get close to anyone, because I fear that sooner or later it ends with me trying to pick up the pieces.

I am helpful and compassionate and will give the shirt of my back to anyone who needs it and I am well aware of the needs and issues of those around me, yet it seems I am stuck in the same revolving door. So I asked my daughter whether something is wrong with me that I am not aware of. She said I am fine and not to worry. Someone once told me that I am too in your face with people, that I cling to people too much and that I look too needy and that’s why people walk way from me.

So I took my questioning to the only one who can answer me truthfully. I was amazed at the stuff The Holy Spirit allowed me to access. It took me back to my childhood years, around the age of between 4-5 years, when I was living with my dad and his family (step mom, grandma, cousins, aunts and uncle). See, my mom was out of town working and studying. My mornings would usually start at about 5 am with doing chores and start prepping breakfast, get hot water ready for the household to have their baths etc. Imagine all that, 5 years old, doing all of that while all the others that were older than me slept. Well I was told time and time again that I was never wanted in the first place.

If I did not comply, I would get a few slaps and kicks, locked in the cellar and the endless nagging and calling me all kinds of names (my dad left my mom when I was 6 months old), so just imagine the names I was called. Once, my step mom threw a hot electric iron at me and I suffered third degree burns, the scars I still bear today, plus a few others. Because of all this, I went into self preservation mode. I worked like a horse, even before I was asked, in order to avoid the abuse and beatings. I now know that a lot of mean and insecure people take it out on others, in order to make themselves feel good about themselves.

I discovered then that if I give people stuff and what they want, or do stuff for them, they would like me and not hurt me, not realizing that it was superficial and temporary. That was the mindset that I carried till this very day. Over the years, I was taken for granted by even people who were close to me and I allowed it, too desperate to fit in, too scared to speak up or tell them how much their actions/attitudes hurt me, as I thought I would lose them if I did.

This well of frustration and pain has been churning and eating at me over the years and constantly tells me and reminds me of my past failures. Then on 2014’s New Year’s Eve, my Pastor brought a word saying that GOD wants me to let go of the past, forget about the hurt and pains and to live in the present with him, in order for me to be to be Blessed. How do you let go completely and forget a lifetime of physical and emotional hurt, pain and rejection? It is not so simple, but is doable. After trying my way for so long, i am now ready to let GOD do the healing his way, and I am also asking him to show me what I have to do, as I am so clueless.

Years ago, Bishop Elect Ronald King Sr spoke a prophetic word to me, telling me to live and not just exist. Little did he know that he was so right. I have just been going through the motion of existing every day. I now realize that changing starts with me. I can’t change others, but I can change me. I will, even if it is going to be one step at a time. I will learn to stand up for myself, not allow others to manipulate me anymore or put me down any more.

2015 is going to be the year that I will start to really live again, love again, learn to trust again, find pleasure in life again. So many people blame themselves for what happened to them over years, as I did. I now fully understand that myself and countless of others are not to blame for what we suffered through the years.

When GOD said “vengeance is mine, I will repay”, he meant it. The battle is not mine or ours, but GOD’s and he will take care of everything if we will just let him.

Yesterday the word that my Pastor brought was for me. Every conversation that I have had with GOD and every question that I have asked over the past week were answered in the word yesterday. He also said that it was time to pick up the pieces and continue.  That I am going to do. Ephesians 4:23 says “Be renewed in the spirit of your mind”. I am also happy that in renewing my mindset, I joined this Facebook blogging group, that share the same Christian values with me, it is a start, and I have been truly encouraged and blessed by some of the posts I have read over the past couple of days. I listen to uplifting and positive Christian music, my favorite station is KLove, which I listen to online, try to read The Word and pick empowering verses daily.

Every day I see the news about what goes on around the world and I am so Thankful that I belong to GOD and that he loves me and would never leave me nor forsake, and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. To so many out there, who are going through so many tests and trials, so long as you have GOD, you have hope. Be encouraged and be Blessed!!