What’s wrong with me? What was
wrong with me? Why don’t people love me? Why cant people see me for who I am?
Am I a good person?
These were the questions I asked myself and my daughter a
myriad of times over the past few years. I was so skeptical, that when some
people say the word “Love you”, I did not even believe it. I often asked myself
“why don’t I love myself anymore and why am I trying to belong where i don’t?”
I often hear the word love thrown
around so often, at times used so frivolously, that I started digging deeper to
find out what it really meant and what it was all about J yes I am grown, but I
wanted to know in-depth.
Love is a word that has so many
meanings and is used in so many contexts. The Oxford English dictionary defines
love as “a strong feeling of affection.” Love is also classified as a variety
of different feelings, states and attitudes, ranging from interpersonal
affections, to an emotion of strong attraction and personal attraction. Whew!!
Love can also be a virtue that represents human kindness and compassionate
actions towards others.
As a Christian, I know that the
Bible puts a lot of emphasis on love. Our Lord JESUS made such a strong point
on love. In John 21:15-17 he asked Peter whether he loved him. I believe our
Lord was asking Peter about unconditional love, which is what Jesus was all
about. In 2nd Corinthians 13:13 it says “so now faith, hope and love
abide, these three, but the greatest of these is love”. Jesus even said in
Mathew 22:39 that we should love our neighbor as ourselves.
I wonder if we really know and
understand the meaning of love and do a lot of people really love themselves
and others. If most people do, they would not knowingly put themselves in so
many life threatening situations. Lust is often confused with love. We as
humans lust after approval from people, materialistic things and a lot of times
we lust after the lifestyle of others and say that we love all that.
Love implies that we need to have a
strong affection, attachment, kindness and compassion for ourselves and others,
but do we? If we love ourselves, we are meant to take care of our physical,
emotional and spiritual health, and not knowingly or intentionally hurt
ourselves or others. I love ice cream and a few times I have cringed when
Pastor Ronald talked about leaving that extra piece of desert alone, as I am
trying very hard to lose some of this weight that crept up on me over the years. Not knowing the true
meaning of love, especially GOD’s love for us usually cause some people to look
for love in the wrong places or from the wrong people.
Over the past few years, I felt
that I had to seek for approval from people and then their approval will show
that they love me. I allowed myself to be patronized and talked down to, and
yet still forced myself to try to be a part of groups of people, when it was so
obvious that I did not belong. A lot of times, I would find myself taking the
roles of maid, babysitter, dishwasher, housekeeper, cleaner etc, just so that I
would feel needed, useful and wanted. I was left out of social groups and
circles. I just did not fit!!
I started to doubt myself and at
that point even wondered whether I loved myself. Maybe if I just had more
money, dressed better, do what society considered the norm, people would love
me enough to want to be close to me.
Then GOD snapped me out of it. I
remembered a few of the words and teachings of Pastor Ronald and Pastor Angela
at Living Hope. I realize that I was not created to fit in! I was unique,
fearfully and wonderfully made! GOD reminded me of how he loved me, so much so
that he sent his son to die just for me!
My eyes opened. GOD revealed people
that my life would impact, that cared about me and loved me for who I was.
There was the grounds man at our complex that will go out of his way to talk to
me, the lady at the gatehouse who ministered to me when she saw me down. Then
there was this young man of GOD who is now my unofficial adopted son and this
young and awesome young woman of GOD who is so precious, that I call her
Precious they went the whole nine yards, the hugs, phone calls, emails etc just
to make sure that my daughter and me were okay. They did not have much but did
their best and I will be forever grateful and thankful that GOD allowed them to
come into my life.(I wont put them on blast) but you know who you are!
I started to see myself
differently. I was just trying to be who GOD did not create me to be. I had no
problem, nothing was wrong with me. If others could not see me, love me or
accept me for whom I was, then it meant they had the problem or were just not
meant to be in my life.
I know that there are a lot of
people struggling with acceptance and personal identities. You might be feeling
unloved, rejected, seeking approval from society. Don’t!! Inasmuch as we were
created to co-exist with each other, we don’t need man’s approval to live and
love. Remember that GOD has far more love for you and me than what anyone is
capable of giving you. Instead of
worrying about everything, start looking for what makes you smile. Pray and ask
GOD for directions and guidance. He will! Worship GOD! I found out that after
spending time with GOD everything looks and feels better! Listen to music that
is uplifting. I listen to Gospel and Christian music daily and that’s why I add
some of the songs that bless me daily on my blogs.
Everyday I am rediscovering myself.
Loving myself more and more each day and learning to live all over again and now i am leaving you with The Newsboys "your love never fails" to remind myself and you that GOD's love never fails!! Awesome!
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